i was scared to mourn out loud and for such a long period of time
so i would write pieces of my longing
inside short and random text messages
or brief emails
or in long hugs to strangers
knowing i would never see them again
i would disperse my cry for help in sonnets
that i never shared
tears camouflaged by the beauty of the moon

she is sensitive
she is emotional
she is passionate
but all the while
I was just grieving

grief makes me feel nauseous
makes all my insides feel like they fighting to make home in a foreign land
scrambling for peace
like if they dont find it soon enough
it'll be too late
having knowledge that it is coming
but no knowledge what is coming
hear the thunder
feel the shaking
all the hurry
all the anxious
all the frenzy
wont stay gone long enough
wont forget me
like a star crossed love
obsessed with despair
full of this tangled type of empty
that Instinct tells you to feed
and to starve all at the same time
mangled
mixed messages
keep me from finding a remedy to fix me

symptoms switch from whispers to wailing
shape shifting
grief takes a taste of every emotion
and spits it up in my belly
my body dont know how to digest
a tinge of jealousy
a sprinkle of anger
a slice of love
a teaspoon of hate
a heap of fear
a cup of anguish
a dash of danger
a portion of crazy
where u beg to remember and forget all at the same time
where you suppose to house
such a strange recipe
that dont think its strange at all
even will toss itself around with itself
like you a mixing bowl
set the timer on forever and give itself the wrong temperature
so it stays cooking even longer

no preparation or
preheating
pre warning
just cold and callus

death just came all at once

and Im suppose to go back to normal
living like things aint change me
like this melancholy inside me aint left a mark
took the butterfly feeling you get when you riding a rollercoaster
or falling in love
and changed it forever

now just feel like these overgrown
wasps and hornets and bees
and each one territorial over this sweet nectar of grief

scavengers at war stinging everything they touch

dont make me wanna seek adventure anymore cuz it has a haunting thats too similar
stays with me
too easy to recall

makes cameos
of calamities inside commonalities
pops up unannounced and overstays its welcome
keeps wanting to make friends
be friendly
its persistence is sickening
courts me like its certain Ima say yes
throws its pride away
like all it sees in me is reward
dont care for its reputation
loves me the way he was loving me
pursues me aggressive

and Im suppose to make sense of that
act like it aint changed me
shifted my insides
tore a tendon
washed me over
washed me under
drowning in this third person narrative
wincing at having all the creative control
and having none of the creative control all
at the same time

so today I thought maybe I have to navigate this like I did my nightmares
use to have violent visions when sleep fell
till I taught myself that i could fight those traumas
from the inside out
team up on what was hurting me
oppressing me

kill the killer

I remember that day I learned my power
seen my ancestors smile
and then sigh
cuz how Im suppose to cut this grief so precise
and discard the deadly parts
this self surgery
that feels more like detonating a time bomb
cept the wires is veins and arteries
and they covered in blood
and its dark
with no sunrise in sight
makes me wanna drop all that's heavy
curl up tight and pray for my mamas hands on me
or my fathers prayers
or my lovers laugh
and there it is again
there it is
again
this grief that makes me feel
so nauseous